I was sitting at work paying bills on my lunch break one day when fate shined down upon me and revealed the best prank that any wife has ever played on her husband. I happened to be glaring at an invoice from my gynecologist at the time, thinking, “This bill is ridiculously high. Don’t I have insurance for this? It says payment is due by April 5th. Crap, it’s already April 1st.”
Suddenly, two facts became brilliantly, amazingly clear to me: 1) It’s April Fools Day and 2) I went to the gynecologist about a week ago. An opportunity like this doesn’t come along often, and I’d be shamed by April Fool’s pranksters everywhere if I didn’t somehow take advantage of it. I immediately whipped out my phone and called my husband.
“Hun,” I said in a small voice, “Remember how I went to the gyno last week? Well, she just called.” I paused for dramatic effect. “They think I might have Lymphogranuloma venereum.”
He was quiet for a moment. “What’s lympho…grano…?”
And this is where things really started to go wrong. “LGV. It’s a rare STD mainly affecting gay men in Europe.” (I’d like to pause here to note that this is, in fact, true. LGV is a pretty big problem in the Netherlands. Don’t ask me how this information gets into my head.) “It causes Elephantitis of the genital region.”
“How…? You’ve never even BEEN to Europe.”
We were both quiet for a moment, before he finally broke the silence. “Well, don’t worry. It’ll be okay. We’ll find out what we have to-“
“Bahahahaha! Ha. Hahaha. Oh my god. You really thought I had a European gay man’s STD! Bahaha.”
And then there was silence.
“Um, okay, on second thought…you know what? Nevermind.”
He cleared his throat sharply. “That’s really not funny.”
He truly sounded unamused. I started talking a little faster. “I know but you see I just went to the gyno and it’s April Fool’s and the timing was SO perfect.”
Another long pause. A verbal staredown of sorts. “Look, I really have actual stuff I have to be doing. And that’s not funny at all.”
“It was a little funny.”
“Admit it. Just a little bit? It was clever, at least.”
“Um, no. Not at all. I gotta go.”
“Fine. I love you.”
“Yeah, yeah. Love you too.” Click.
Okay, maybe it was a little over the line. Perhaps a lot past the line. The line wasn’t really in sight anymore. I must note, however, that this April Fool’s prank was played on the guy who once woke his sleeping college roommate to deliver the urgent message that UFOs were about to abduct him. Worse yet, there happened to be a couple helicopters hovering oddly outside their dorm window. And worst of all, his poor half-asleep roommate looked up, panicked, and somehow managed to collapse his bed in half in a startled fit of hysteria. So I’m not the only one who’s lacking judgment in the prank arena.
Regardless, I’m pretty sure I’ll never get to go to Europe now.