The internet can be a wealth of knowledge for pregnant women. It can also be a minefield of scary-ass advice that threatens to send us beyond the narrow edge of sanity. When the baby wasn’t moving in my stomach for a while, a Google search regaled me with tragic tales of pregnancies gone awry. So comforting. When my uterus decided to be irritable, the internet was there to reassure me that I could potentially go into pre-term labor any second. Worried about child safety? Rest easy. The internet will outline a list of every single hazard in your home that can be harmful to your baby. Including air.
My friend Natalie recently posted a hilarious list of things the internet instructs pregnant women to do. Naturally, that inspired me to make my own list. Here’s what the internet has told me to do…
Apparently, trendy baby names are out. The cool thing to do now is name the baby something really conventional. Like Ernie or Ron. It’s sort of an old-is-new-again, geeky-is-hip-now thing.
Spend $900 on a stroller. If this seems like a lot, don’t worry…part of the purchase price goes to charity. Score.
Shower, blow-dry, and straighten my hair…while in labor.
Once the baby pops out, wear it everywhere like a cool new accessory.
Put “Baby on Board” stickers/banners/window decals all over the car. That way, passerbyers can ogle at the cuteness.
Get matching outfits for the whole family. Including pets.
If I have trouble producing my own breastmilk, I apparently need to buy it from someone who can successfully lactate.
If aforementioned milk-sellers turn out to be on crack, I can always make my own formula.
Sign up for preschool. Right now.
Become political. A new baby is chock-full of reasons to fight for a cause, and the internet says I need to pick one. Cloth diapering. Breasfeeding in public. Genetically modified food. Immunization. There are options galore.
Thank God I have the internet to provide the essential guide to being knocked up. Otherwise I might fail as a mom and be banished from playgroup!