pregnancy comments

What is it about pregnancy that compels the entire world to comment on a woman's stomach, skin, hair, nails and overall behavior? I sort of get it. I'm creating life and it's a miracle which everyone wants to be involved in. I, like most pregnant women, take most commentary in stride and enjoy the attention. But there are inevitably times when someone catches me at an off moment and it's all I can do not to come back with a witty retort. A couple of times I've actually gone with a blank stare, questioning “Excuse me? What are you talking about? I'm not pregnant.” Ah, priceless.

Top Ten Cliché Pregnancy Comments

“Rest now while you still can.”
What am I, a bear? Can I go into hibernation now and store it up? Because that would be seriously awesome. Almost as good as being able to walk through walls or fly.

“You're getting so huge!” or “You look so tiny.”
I'm never sure how to respond to this. Thanks? On the one hand, I like the acknowledgement that the baby's growing. Makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. On the other hand, no woman wants to be called huge! It's sort of like insulting someone's mother. I can call myself gigantic but you, my friend, best tread lightly. I often respond with, “Yep, I've been eating like a cow!” On the other hand, being told I'm small for the number of months pregnant I am is definitely meant as a compliment. But there's always this small nagging concern: Am I too small? Am I doing this pregnancy thing wrong? Is the baby okay? My best comeback for that one: “Yeah, I've been doing that lemonade maple syrup diet.”

“What are you expecting?”
We're hoping for a squid.

“You're glowing!”
That can be chalked up to a) the raging hormones that make me sweat profusely or b) the fact that I spent the morning hovered over a toilet bowl.

“Wow, you sure are eating a lot.”
I'm hoping to make a career transition to competitive eating. This is my training period.

“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
Based on all the horror stories I've heard about babies' sleeping problems, I may as well try to sync my REM pattern up with my cat.

“From the back, you don't even look pregnant.”
Really? That's totally weird since the baby is located in my spine.

“You're carrying so high/low/out front. That MUST be a ___!”
Thank you, oh mystical future-teller! I've been dying for someone to tell me about my baby. Please, share more. Will he/she be a good athlete? What about grades? What color eyes and hair will it have?

“Everyone's getting pregnant lately! What are they putting in the water?”
Sperm.

“Wow! Are you STILL pregnant?”
How mortified would someone be if I said no? Really. “Nope, the baby's out and this is all beer and tacos!”

The thing that really gets me is when complete strangers (as in, people at the grocery store that I've never seen before) attempt to touch my stomach. I've found that the best response to that is to touch theirs right back. Weird? Yes. Awesomely entertaining? Yes, yes it is.